Friday, July 1, 2011

An Open Letter To *******

UPDATE: I added an addendum in the comments section.

A few days ago, I said that I had like 4 posts in mind that I wanted to write.  This is one of them.  And it's actually meant for just one person, but after thinking and rethinking it, I just couldn't bring myself to send it directly to her.

So I'm posting this as an open letter.  If she (or you, rather), read it, then good.  I'm glad.  If not, at least it's off my chest.

You recently (or not so recently, now) attempted to call me, after over 6 months since you left again.  I was on the phone that day with my friend Alex, and I ignored your call.  I expected it, but I did not want to take it.  I had just gone back online, and I'm sure that that's what spurred you on to call me.  At that time, I was going through intense training at a new job, on top of the fact that I had a good long time to reflect on our time together, and, more importantly, your actions and behaviors during that time, and decided that it wasn't the right time to talk to you.  So I didn't.

Now, before I go on, I need to state this: I worked very hard to get to the place I was without you, and you had, nor do you have, absolutely any right to contact me.  We are not friends, and I do not trust you.

The weeks after that were, admittedly, very hard to get through. I fell a bit from the place where I was, and it took some time to get back to that place.  What we had during our time together was very serious to me, and I held the promise of a future together in the highest regard.  You did not.  You said you did, but your actions show otherwise.  And, if I can use that as a segue, I realized just exactly the person that you are.  You are the most scared individual I've ever met.  You're afraid of commitment, you're so image conscious that it's saddening, you're a liar, you have very little self confidence...  In short, you're everything that I am NOT.  You lied to me, my family, your family, and God knows who else.  Did you not think I'd ask my aunt about the story your told me?  Or that your mom wouldn't call me the nite that you stayed over at someone else's house, and said you were with me?  Yeah, I know about that, and about a lot of other things.  I feel so sad for you, because you cannot be true to yourself.

I will say this: *******, no one compares to you when you are you.  The times that we had when we were together, just me and you, and you had no pressure to put on a front or show off or try to be something you aren't, you showed me that you could be an amazing individual, one with such promise.  The problem is, you aren't yourself enough.

On your MySpace page, you had a quote written about the only thing that matters in this life is love.  And yet, you said to me different.  You said to me that love isn't enough.  I disagreed then, and I disagree now.  Love is enough, to motivate you to work to become the best you can be.  For yourself, for your partner, for your friends and family, because it feels GOOD.  It feels genuinely fulfilling.  Not temporarily fulfilling, like hanging out with acquaintances at clubs.  Life is not about free drinks.  I don't know if you've learned this in our time apart, but the better partner is the one who will clean up your vomit from inside their car and take care of you, above one who lies and commits crimes to make ends meet.

Unfortunately, I don't think you've learned anything at all.

Admittedly, the last time I looked at your Twitter page was in December, when your mother called me at work, worried sick about you.  I saw your Tweets, and felt so sad for you.  But that's the life you chose.  I never did tell her what I saw, so you're welcome for that.  But I also never did look again after that.  So when you forwarded me your brother's text message on Christmas, or when you half-assed emailed me the day AFTER my birthday (both of ours are on the 6th, or did you forget that?), or when you called, not one of those times did I think you deserved my attention.  You still don't.  That's why this letter is on here, *******.  You do not deserve one more thought from me.

During our time apart, I came to certain realizations about myself: that, yes, I do love the person that I am, 100%.  All of the "red flags" you saw in me were actually aspects of yourself.  I have helped out people who despised me with not a second though, and definitely not out of any sort of image.  I have done what I need to do to change my station in life.  I am pursuing my goals for myself.  I love my family and friends more than ever, and enjoy the fact that my circle is a close, personal one.  I have a confidence and determination that I never had with you, because I was too worried about making things work, and that's not how a relationship should be.

In fact, *******, I'd go so far as to say that your entire view of life is wrong.  You keep those who care at arm's length, and are more concerned with what your acquaintances think.  You keep yourself rail thin in hopes that it will improve your looks, when, as from what I could tell by your Facebook picture that displayed to me in May when I made a new page, you look like hell.  You're so scared of everything that you let it hold you back.

The only thing I have to say to all that is this: It's time to grow up.

Whether you seek help, or do what I did and take the time to work on yourself, you have to do something different with your life.  For your own sake.  I'm not writing this in any attempt to win you back, no.  The fact is, I never left you.  And I'm not even opposed to talking to you, *******.  But not the way you are.  If you want the family and children that you talked to me about before, then you have to grow up.  For both your and their sakes.

This is the last time I will write to you.  I have said all that I want to say.  If you have any sort of response, all of my contact information is still the same.  But don't use any of it if you're still going to act like a child.


1 comment:

  1. Addendum #1
    ('Cause it's my blog, and I can blog if I want to, blog if I want to, blog if I want to.)

    During one of the last conversations we had, I asked you if you wanted me to make a greater commitment to you. I remember the sound of your voice when I said that, as if you had been waiting for that for years. Do you remember what I said? I said that I'd love to make that commitment to you, but not if you can't make that to me. This is another thing I thought about all these months, that maybe you did want me to "put a ring on it," but, and I don't know if you can understand this, but there's no way in Hell I'm putting a ring on anyone's finger who can't stand by me.

    I think you have this fairytale notion in your head that you'll walk away, and that the guy you love will chase after you. That is NOT how things are supposed to be. When you find that someone that you love, that someone that makes you feel good and loves and appreciates you back, that makes you want to be a better person, then you lock that person down. You don't have to manipulate the person you're with if they love you, and you don't walk away, and leave things up to chance.

    Life isn't a fairytale, *******. Bad things happen for no good reason, and it's best to have someone to go through those things with. Not to leave and reunite one day. That's how you truly lose the person that you want to be with.